Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
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