My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
