he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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