You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
