sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
