also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
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