sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
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