My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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