Banned from zoo.
Again?
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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