Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Pooping to opera.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
