I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
