The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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