someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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