For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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