Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Randomize
