I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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