david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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