I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
