Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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