I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
