Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
