She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
