Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
