cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
