So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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