Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
