Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
