sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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