My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
my poor anus
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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