textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
