I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
