don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
