Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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