Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
