Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
