Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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