I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
