Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Found the puke drawer
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
