I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
