i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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