i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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