apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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