Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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