My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
