grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
