My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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