I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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