Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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