I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
