I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
