I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
So much Jack, so little girl.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
